hopeful

To say you give me hope would be an exaggeration
But I am hopeful
Nevertheless

Because I can enjoy this for what it is
And not make myself run in circles
For what it could be or what it shouldn't

That I am not trying to pick you apart
For all the reasons we shouldn't even try
Oh I am sure there are plenty
But aren't there always?

For now all I will do
Is breath
And take it all in stride
Looking forward
Stretching my arms as far as I can
Moving my hands like wings in the wind
Like we did from car windows when we were little

I will lie in the sun and smile
And breath
And be not in pain for once

This is not thanks to you

But you are a symptom
Of all that's going right
And I am thankful

To myself

lost connection

Why is it that I feel lost in myself?

How can I lose my grip this easy, lose track of who I was supposed to be?

I didn't even see it happen, but oh so suddenly I do not feel at home in myself, by myself, anymore.
I used to be able to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sure, sometimes they would seem overwhelming but I could always keep myself from tailspinning.

So I end up lying in my bed looking at pictures but I do not recognize myself. Who I am or who I am supposed to be are as far from each other as ice is from fog.
And when I listen to songs that sound so sad, so heartbreaking, the person I am mourning seems to be myself.

Who I was without, before or after, maybe I can be her again? Do I even want to?
I don't remember.

I don't know if this makes me a more pathetic or better version of myself. Will I ever?
Who am I now? Who am I after I lost all connection?

Who am I supposed to be if I am not in correlation to other people? Is this co-dependancy?
Shoulnd't I only be dependant on myself?
Do I even want that? Am I reliable?

I don't remember.

Misconception

When I look at her
And desperately wish to be her

Do I really want to
Or do I think
She is what is wanted
From me?

no idea

You’re not worth my time, my thoughts, my irony, my love, my concern, my desperation, my anxiety.
But I still could never hate you. And for that, I hate myself.

Though you are not worthy of my breath,
I still utter your name every time I want to share something.

Thinking of you makes me sad but not thinking of you doesn’t make me happy, either.

repeat

Oh but he seems like such a nice boy
Is what I think to myself

Thinking of him
But you could paint him blank
I could pick him from a line up
He's interchangeable

They are always such nice boys
Like they couldn't hurt a fly
As if they wouldn't break your heart

But do I even like him
Is what I ask myself

Or does he just seem like what I want
Like what I think I need

This thought comes just the tiniest bit too late
By then I'll already have them interested
Pretending I am just as nice

Just the opposite is true
I'll be their damnation

enough

I don't have to be enough.

All my adult life relationships were tainted by that thought, that desire, that need "to be enough".

I felt miserable not being "the girlfriend". If I were enough, good enough, fulfilling enough, pretty enough, then why wouldn't you "claim me" as yours for the world to see, give me that status?
It all comes down to old wounds.
Always being criticized, feeling not loved for who you are, being despised by people, hated. Worst, encountering total indifference.

If i were good enough, maybe you would like me. love me, never leave me.

I realize now, no one person can ever be enough.
you can never fill all the needs I have, every single thing I crave has so many colours, sides and crevices to crawl into. How could I ever expect to be enough for you?

When thought you were the one, finally, that matched perfectly, I ended up deceiving myself, because that is what society has taught us.
We need to be perfect, so perfect or we are not worthy of love.
We need to be perfect and fulfilling and giving and never ask but be enough, enough, enough.

You can never be enough and neither can I.

How do I let go of that? That need that drove me for so long. That desire, that yearning to be called "perfect for you", when that is all I've ever known.

two

You told me not to put my life on hold for you

Just because you say it doesn't make it so.
I'm trying.

I still find myself in obsessive states. Constantly. checking my phone, my messages, my notifications, scanning the screen for the tiniest sign of life from you.

I'm trying.
I'm failing.

I don't want this.
I don't want to lose myself.
Not in you, not in this, not in my head.

Have I lost my head?

It feels so light and still so heavy, it doesn't feel like mine.
What has happened?

Where am I, what am I, who am I?

Suddenly, I am nothing if not in correlation with you.
I don't want this.

I have lost myself before and it took me years to find myself again.

I don't want this.

I do want you.
But at what price? For a chance?
Cause it's only a chance and never a promise.

I don't want this.


I'm failing.

one

You told me multiple times I shouldn't put my life on hold for you.
That you're not worth pressing pause.

You spoke for yourself. You said it to spare my feelings. Did you intend it as a warning?
Because you don't want to press pause. Not for me.

I start to wonder about all those times you told me I was special.
Did you mean it or was it just what I needed to hear?
You didn't intend for me to end up like this, you couldn't know. You wouldn't.

But I should have.
I should have known. That I would end up unimportant, redundant, not enough.

It used to be so different. For weeks, for months. For days, for nights.
All those nights.
All those nights when the walls were down, the veil was lifted, you let me touch your heart.
Now you are so far away, it feels like there are galaxies keeping us apart. But 'star crossed' is a description only fit for me.

Should I try to fight and fail or should I give up, admit defeat and start to heal?
If we don't stop now, the end could easily destroy me. Better safe than sorry?


I feel like I'm in this lake, the water is pitch black. I am not afraid of it but I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am grappling for something to hold on to, I don't want to drown.
I used to be able to hold on to you but your hands are nowhere to be seen. Why have you left me?
 You gave me no warning.

Or did you?

I should have known.

You dont want to put your life on hold. Not for me.

lashing out

I told you before that we tend to lash out when we're hurt. We will feel like we need to hurt the person in front of us just as hard as they have hurt us, even if they didn't mean to.
We say things that may be true but should never have been said out loud, things that cross the line and have no coming back from.

So consider this me lashing out.

I know you weren't sober when you said you didn't know women like me existed. So maybe that was an exaggeration. Probably. Most likely. Yes, yes it was.
But let me tell you:
There are plenty of you.
Men that lean on us and take emotional strength from our support but never give back. You think you do. After all, isn't this the most emotional labour you had to do in years?  We're still no equals. You take what I give you to master your life and I'm left here squandering with what's left of me.
There are plenty of you.
Men that expect a cookie for not being the worst possible.
There are plenty of you.
Men that think a mad woman is irrational and be better not spoken to until she calms down even if her rage is so so justified.
There are plenty of you.
Men that have hurt me and will continue to do so. Maybe not on purpose but still so hard.
Yes, there are plenty of you.

So why should I waste my time with you?

Lost 2014

as we attempted to fall asleep with our limbs in knots, I thought I could hear your heartbeat thumping below my ear.
later I wondered if it was my own.
neither of us was able to fall asleep though,
both being too nervous about being so close to each other the first time.

2013111702

You can't just come and sweep me off my feet.
Don't I get a say in that?

My stupid heart, oh please, just stop.
Let me be intelligent, not emotional, not so easy to fool.
Not again.

Can't control that beating, taunting me, reminding me that I always fall for all your words.
Please, please, just stop, not again.

Am I not all grown up?
Shouldn't I know better.


Why do we always fall for it, for them, for you, for me, for all the lies life presents us with.

Why aren't we allowed to control our feelings?!
It's a cruel world. It's unfair, it's like life laughing in our faces.

It isn't fair.

Who chose this life for me if it wasn't me?

When I opened my mouth the first time today I realized my voice was gone hoarse.

Was it the endless weeping or just the cold air in my wet hair when I couldn't bear the sight of you anymore?


Who will answer my questions if it won't be me?

20131015

why is it that sometimes
when I see girls
I know will look like me

once stripped naked


they are beautiful
so beautiful
I can't take my eyes off of them

at some times I fancy them

I get the urge to rest my face between their thighs


so why is it

that when I look in the mirror

there is nothing I want more

than my reflection to break?

20120307

jealousy is against my beliefs
but I can't keep my mind from racing

back and forth
between myself and everything
that crashed in my past

falling to my knees
I see the truth
in the sun that has blinded my eyes

but that won't put a halt to my sorrow

20120227

tormenting my mind, forcing me to hold on are
his words like a mantra for my soul
or rather my heart
to stop it from racing, being scared, hiding behind every little bad thing it has ever experienced.

making me hold on to that little spark of hope
that is not supposed to exist for me.

telling me he feels alike but
still making me feel like an alien.
not because of his words
but my mind -

it's twisted.

20101224

You’re not worth my time, my thoughts, my irony, my love, my concern, my desperation, my anxiety.
But I still could never hate you. And for that, I hate myself.

Though you are not worthy of my breath,
I still utter your name every time I want to share something.

Thinking of you makes me sad but not thinking of you doesn’t make me happy, either.

20110909

I am damned to pound that wall till eternity
craving for a feeling
I cut my flesh to taste my blood
to see I'm still alive.
let me suffer, let me bleed
let me feel that pain.
but being numb is more than that
let me hit you, yell, scream at you, swear and call you names
in hope for a reaction.
pay me back a thousand times.
hit me, yell, let me bleed and let me suffer,
I'm craving for that feeling,
any feeling, that would do.

maybe the good ones are just too hard to handle,
would rip me apart at once, too painful.

let me bleed, let me suffer,
so I see there is still blood in my veins, my heart's still beating.
If you do it, I can be sure it's no illusion.

I'm still pounding the walls,
one in my head and my heart,
the other is the one you build around you.
Don't let me suffer alone,
lone cries in the night won't bait a pack to run with..

And maybe, let me feel all those things you promised,
you never made them true.

Once I feel these tears, I know I'm not made of stone.