two

You told me not to put my life on hold for you

Just because you say it doesn't make it so.
I'm trying.

I still find myself in obsessive states. Constantly. checking my phone, my messages, my notifications, scanning the screen for the tiniest sign of life from you.

I'm trying.
I'm failing.

I don't want this.
I don't want to lose myself.
Not in you, not in this, not in my head.

Have I lost my head?

It feels so light and still so heavy, it doesn't feel like mine.
What has happened?

Where am I, what am I, who am I?

Suddenly, I am nothing if not in correlation with you.
I don't want this.

I have lost myself before and it took me years to find myself again.

I don't want this.

I do want you.
But at what price? For a chance?
Cause it's only a chance and never a promise.

I don't want this.


I'm failing.

one

You told me multiple times I shouldn't put my life on hold for you.
That you're not worth pressing pause.

You spoke for yourself. You said it to spare my feelings. Did you intend it as a warning?
Because you don't want to press pause. Not for me.

I start to wonder about all those times you told me I was special.
Did you mean it or was it just what I needed to hear?
You didn't intend for me to end up like this, you couldn't know. You wouldn't.

But I should have.
I should have known. That I would end up unimportant, redundant, not enough.

It used to be so different. For weeks, for months. For days, for nights.
All those nights.
All those nights when the walls were down, the veil was lifted, you let me touch your heart.
Now you are so far away, it feels like there are galaxies keeping us apart. But 'star crossed' is a description only fit for me.

Should I try to fight and fail or should I give up, admit defeat and start to heal?
If we don't stop now, the end could easily destroy me. Better safe than sorry?


I feel like I'm in this lake, the water is pitch black. I am not afraid of it but I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am grappling for something to hold on to, I don't want to drown.
I used to be able to hold on to you but your hands are nowhere to be seen. Why have you left me?
 You gave me no warning.

Or did you?

I should have known.

You dont want to put your life on hold. Not for me.

lashing out

I told you before that we tend to lash out when we're hurt. We will feel like we need to hurt the person in front of us just as hard as they have hurt us, even if they didn't mean to.
We say things that may be true but should never have been said out loud, things that cross the line and have no coming back from.

So consider this me lashing out.

I know you weren't sober when you said you didn't know women like me existed. So maybe that was an exaggeration. Probably. Most likely. Yes, yes it was.
But let me tell you:
There are plenty of you.
Men that lean on us and take emotional strength from our support but never give back. You think you do. After all, isn't this the most emotional labour you had to do in years?  We're still no equals. You take what I give you to master your life and I'm left here squandering with what's left of me.
There are plenty of you.
Men that expect a cookie for not being the worst possible.
There are plenty of you.
Men that think a mad woman is irrational and be better not spoken to until she calms down even if her rage is so so justified.
There are plenty of you.
Men that have hurt me and will continue to do so. Maybe not on purpose but still so hard.
Yes, there are plenty of you.

So why should I waste my time with you?