lost connection

Why is it that I feel lost in myself?

How can I lose my grip this easy, lose track of who I was supposed to be?

I didn't even see it happen, but oh so suddenly I do not feel at home in myself, by myself, anymore.
I used to be able to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sure, sometimes they would seem overwhelming but I could always keep myself from tailspinning.

So I end up lying in my bed looking at pictures but I do not recognize myself. Who I am or who I am supposed to be are as far from each other as ice is from fog.
And when I listen to songs that sound so sad, so heartbreaking, the person I am mourning seems to be myself.

Who I was without, before or after, maybe I can be her again? Do I even want to?
I don't remember.

I don't know if this makes me a more pathetic or better version of myself. Will I ever?
Who am I now? Who am I after I lost all connection?

Who am I supposed to be if I am not in correlation to other people? Is this co-dependancy?
Shoulnd't I only be dependant on myself?
Do I even want that? Am I reliable?

I don't remember.

Misconception

When I look at her
And desperately wish to be her

Do I really want to
Or do I think
She is what is wanted
From me?

20131015

why is it that sometimes
when I see girls
I know will look like me

once stripped naked


they are beautiful
so beautiful
I can't take my eyes off of them

at some times I fancy them

I get the urge to rest my face between their thighs


so why is it

that when I look in the mirror

there is nothing I want more

than my reflection to break?