solar eclipse

I'm confused and that's no secret. 

I know. I told you. 

I'll tell anyone who'll listen. 

We ended for good reason.

"I didn't know what I had until I lost it" is quite the tired platitude, isn't it?

It didn't become one for no reason. 

I'm confused. 

About so many things.

But there are things I know as clear as day.

I see you across the room and it's torture, I can't hug you, I can't kiss you, I can't smile at you like we got a little secret that's only known to us. I can't stratch your buzzcut, I can't tickle you 'cause I love the way you giggle. 

I'm confused.

No matter what happens there will always be a lesson.  

Hold onto what you have, appreciate before it is too late. 

I'm confused. 

But I don't want to confuse you. 

So all I can do is steal glances across the room.

Squit.

Look away. 

Bask in it.

It's too much like looking at the sun. 

it all made sense

 when suddenly all the sappy shit you read makes sense

is when you are not scared anymore

at least I am not

just hurting

I think you like me

 and that's what scared you off

2019-05-23

Give me excitement
or give me death.

Complacency can be safety
but before long it won't seem worth living.

I felt fine by myself before I knew you
But now that you're gone I can feel the loneliness creeping up on me

hopeful

To say you give me hope would be an exaggeration
But I am hopeful
Nevertheless

Because I can enjoy this for what it is
And not make myself run in circles
For what it could be or what it shouldn't

That I am not trying to pick you apart
For all the reasons we shouldn't even try
Oh I am sure there are plenty
But aren't there always?

For now all I will do
Is breath
And take it all in stride
Looking forward
Stretching my arms as far as I can
Moving my hands like wings in the wind
Like we did from car windows when we were little

I will lie in the sun and smile
And breath
And be not in pain for once

This is not thanks to you

But you are a symptom
Of all that's going right
And I am thankful

To myself

letting go

I'm still waiting for the day that these spots are not occupied by the memory of you
A city I have lived in all my life feels like it doesn't belong to me anymore

This is where we met up the first time
Over here is where you kissed me
In that street you saw me cry
At that club we danced until our muscles ached
On that escalater I held you, fearing for us
But on the phone we broke up

It feels worse having places soiled by foremost good memories, the ones of being happy
If it were only bad ones, maybe it wouldn't be this hard to let go of what we were

hey

By accident I watched a video of us kissing.
I didn't know I still had it
And didn't know what it was when I clicked on it.

I thought that I was fine
Or at least on the road to be
But now it hurts, my eyes are red.

We looked so happy
I don't remember what that feels like.

I don't know if I miss you
Or being happy.

gentle

You said you needed me so I thought you'd never leave
I guess that's how killers are born

Out of despair
Letting go of everything they used to be
To not go gentle into that good night
But less docile into their future

liar

'I wish I'd never met you'
Would be such an easy thing to say

But every time I think that, I know that I'm a liar

Falling in love has always given me pieces of myself
It let's me know who I am or who i could be once the pain subsides

Even the worst good bye yet has shown me how much strength I could possess, what I could endure

There really is no shame in pain, weakness or even to wallow
Sometimes it is how the end's supposed to be and I am no exception

Perhaps I will break
When I encounter the kind of love you can't come back from

Maybe one day it will not be a lie

trust

If there is one thing and one thing only that men have inevitably taken from me
Then it is not money, time, food, nor shelter

It's my trust

They have hurt themselves, really

I might have cried, hurt, thought this was the end
But I always came out whole again
Scathed and bruised and scarred but I always became stronger for the pain of it

But little by little they destroyed all that was left of my believe they had any integrity and honesty ingrained in them

How am I supposed to go on and form any kind of bond
Knowing for certain how this will end
With me broken to pieces left to get myself back together
Not by myself, surrounded by chosen family
But nevertheless hurt and disappointed and losing faith in my ability to see the truth

So in the end they hurt themselves
By their actions preventing their brothers the pleasure of my company

25 Jan 2018 like like

You said you liked me because I made you feel a certain way.
Okay you said you like me because you felt comfortable around me, you were relaxed.
So you liked me because I did something for you, to you.a and that's right there.

'i like you' vs 'i like how you make me feel'

You never saw me as a person.

25 Jan 2018 - strength

You like strong women. Not just because they are strong women.

You like knowing they will take care of you when needed.

You don't miss me. You don't miss us or this city in particular.

You miss summer and the feeling of walking careless through the world.

Because there were always strong women to take care of you when needed.

sadness

My sadness is not about you
It is mine alone

It has been building up inside of me for decades
Like drift wood it's been stacking up
Higher than any castle we could have created
Towering over all else
Overshadowing even the best of days

And when life's quiet I can hear it
Whispering promises of loneliness and self doubt
But the sadness in itself
Has never been about anyone but me
It has been with me since before I knew myself

It is the only thing that has never left my side

still

I sometimes feel that mourning your death would be easier on me than dealing with this loss

Trying

The intensity in which I am able to love is surpassed by how deeply I can hurt

Does self inflicted emotional pain count as self harm?
Cause I keep listening for your voice in the chatter and when I finally pick it up, my chest feels like bursting
But I just can't stop

Right now, being broken up feels like my best friend has died
You were the one I shared my world with, not just my days but most of all, my mind
Now I can put myself out there but you're one I'd want to listen

You're still alive and out there but I can not be allowed to reach you
For I don't want to inflict this despair on you, as well

Yes, I am angry and yes, I am hurt
But after much contemplation, this is not your fault

Believing that would be too easy and while it may even ease my pain, it would not help me heal

And so I suffer
I will wait for it to end

rules

and all along I wondered
why didn't you play by your own rules?

the rules we set up, the ones we agreed on
they were our rules so they were your rules as well

but you kept breaking them. even after we split but kept seeing each other and kept the rules to keep each other safe

you rarely adhered to them

maybe that is it?

rules are for other people

not for you.

inheritance

My mother once said to me
'it feels as if your father is punishing himself'
For what, she did not know.
There are so many things that he used to find joy in but now wouldn't even touch.
He has been retired for a while now and all he does is busywork and wallowing in self pity, it seems.

Maybe I am like my father after all.
That's all I never wanted, to end up like either of them, unable to feel happiness and drenched in passive aggressive tendencies.

Am I resorting to self punishment for having something I don't think i deserve, creating these issues in my head all by myself?
It's all so much, so intense, so good, so exciting, I can't help but feel depressed and suicidal.

lost connection

Why is it that I feel lost in myself?

How can I lose my grip this easy, lose track of who I was supposed to be?

I didn't even see it happen, but oh so suddenly I do not feel at home in myself, by myself, anymore.
I used to be able to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sure, sometimes they would seem overwhelming but I could always keep myself from tailspinning.

So I end up lying in my bed looking at pictures but I do not recognize myself. Who I am or who I am supposed to be are as far from each other as ice is from fog.
And when I listen to songs that sound so sad, so heartbreaking, the person I am mourning seems to be myself.

Who I was without, before or after, maybe I can be her again? Do I even want to?
I don't remember.

I don't know if this makes me a more pathetic or better version of myself. Will I ever?
Who am I now? Who am I after I lost all connection?

Who am I supposed to be if I am not in correlation to other people? Is this co-dependancy?
Shoulnd't I only be dependant on myself?
Do I even want that? Am I reliable?

I don't remember.

Misconception

When I look at her
And desperately wish to be her

Do I really want to
Or do I think
She is what is wanted
From me?