solar eclipse

I'm confused and that's no secret. 

I know. I told you. 

I'll tell anyone who'll listen. 

We ended for good reason.

"I didn't know what I had until I lost it" is quite the tired platitude, isn't it?

It didn't become one for no reason. 

I'm confused. 

About so many things.

But there are things I know as clear as day.

I see you across the room and it's torture, I can't hug you, I can't kiss you, I can't smile at you like we got a little secret that's only known to us. I can't stratch your buzzcut, I can't tickle you 'cause I love the way you giggle. 

I'm confused.

No matter what happens there will always be a lesson.  

Hold onto what you have, appreciate before it is too late. 

I'm confused. 

But I don't want to confuse you. 

So all I can do is steal glances across the room.

Squit.

Look away. 

Bask in it.

It's too much like looking at the sun. 

it all made sense

 when suddenly all the sappy shit you read makes sense

is when you are not scared anymore

at least I am not

just hurting

I think you like me

 and that's what scared you off

2019-05-23

Give me excitement
or give me death.

Complacency can be safety
but before long it won't seem worth living.

I felt fine by myself before I knew you
But now that you're gone I can feel the loneliness creeping up on me

hopeful

To say you give me hope would be an exaggeration
But I am hopeful
Nevertheless

Because I can enjoy this for what it is
And not make myself run in circles
For what it could be or what it shouldn't

That I am not trying to pick you apart
For all the reasons we shouldn't even try
Oh I am sure there are plenty
But aren't there always?

For now all I will do
Is breath
And take it all in stride
Looking forward
Stretching my arms as far as I can
Moving my hands like wings in the wind
Like we did from car windows when we were little

I will lie in the sun and smile
And breath
And be not in pain for once

This is not thanks to you

But you are a symptom
Of all that's going right
And I am thankful

To myself

letting go

I'm still waiting for the day that these spots are not occupied by the memory of you
A city I have lived in all my life feels like it doesn't belong to me anymore

This is where we met up the first time
Over here is where you kissed me
In that street you saw me cry
At that club we danced until our muscles ached
On that escalater I held you, fearing for us
But on the phone we broke up

It feels worse having places soiled by foremost good memories, the ones of being happy
If it were only bad ones, maybe it wouldn't be this hard to let go of what we were

hey

By accident I watched a video of us kissing.
I didn't know I still had it
And didn't know what it was when I clicked on it.

I thought that I was fine
Or at least on the road to be
But now it hurts, my eyes are red.

We looked so happy
I don't remember what that feels like.

I don't know if I miss you
Or being happy.

gentle

You said you needed me so I thought you'd never leave
I guess that's how killers are born

Out of despair
Letting go of everything they used to be
To not go gentle into that good night
But less docile into their future

liar

'I wish I'd never met you'
Would be such an easy thing to say

But every time I think that, I know that I'm a liar

Falling in love has always given me pieces of myself
It let's me know who I am or who i could be once the pain subsides

Even the worst good bye yet has shown me how much strength I could possess, what I could endure

There really is no shame in pain, weakness or even to wallow
Sometimes it is how the end's supposed to be and I am no exception

Perhaps I will break
When I encounter the kind of love you can't come back from

Maybe one day it will not be a lie